Ice Twister Review

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Ice Twister. I only own a piece of shit DVD.

This scene never happens.

Hello, I'm Morey Bibliophage. Why do disaster movies tend to suck? Is it the fake science or the bad dialogue? Honestly, natural disasters are interesting and can make for great movies. For some reason people just can't make good disaster movies. The few good movies tend to be covered by the really bad movies. This movie isn't any different. Let's go ahead and jump into Ice Twister.

First off, let's go through the characters. There's House wannabe (Gary-Stu), Science chick wannabe, Spencer Reid wannabe, Dude-whom-I've-forgotten-his-name wannabe, Ben Stiller wannabe, Dead prep, Dead guy, High-school-looking college girl, and High-school-looking college boy. I was too confused with the plot to remember their names, so these are their new names. Having all of these wannabe's just injures the movie since it's basically showing the audience all the stars they couldn't afford, so here's some unknown lookalikes to please you.

As I said above, House wannabe is a Gary-Stu. He's always right, he's rich, he's smart, he's 'pure', he's pretty much 'perfect' according to the movie. It just adds to the annoyance. Science chick wannabe isn't any better. She just has to be in the right. She is 'wonderful'. You just know the moment they first meet that these two are going to get together in the end.

From the movie, You can practically tell the director hates Spencer Reid wannabe. He's always angry or ditsy with Jesus House wannabe one-upping him. I'm guessing the director was a conspiracy theorist who hated that one geek who was smarter than him. All Spencer Reid wannabe is, is a pretty face for the girls. Then the DWIFHN wannabe is basically the bad guy's henchman turned good who gets his demise because he's not agreeing with Saint House.

It was obvious Dead Prep was gonna die the moment we first saw her. She was ditsy and completely preppy. As we know, preps can never live in movies (unless she shows boobs). Dead guy had to die because he sided with Spencer Reid Wannabe instead of Jesus House.

High-school-looking college girl always thought logically, but she has to be the dumber person since all she did was whine. High-school-looking college boy is the obvious smart, male conspiracy theorist who is a disciple of Jesus House wannabe.

Finally, there's Ben Stiller wannabe, who's the bad guy because, well, he's a senator. Yup. But don't worry! Ben Stiller wannabe gets his own demise because he went against Jesus and Science chick wannabe. Isn't that so realistic?

Next, the entire movie is confusing. It starts of with some science experiment that we don't know about, but the director thinks we can get. Then twenty minutes in, we're still confused. What are they doing? What are they talking about? Why are there a ton of planes flying around that look exactly like those US army planes? Where is this supposed to be? Basic story telling: you're not supposed to confuse your audience the moment the story begins. Even more basic story telling: don't tell your audience what's going on. Show the audience what's going on.

Even when the characters explain what's going on, you're still confused since they're talking science that isn't science, but science fiction bull shit. Throughout the movie, we just said 'that can't happen', 'that would never happen', 'why are you speaking bull shit?'. Why are they shooting silver into the air? How is it able to kill that man? If the ozone layer is weak, wouldn't that mean the air would be getting warmer instead of colder? When did satellites get lasers built into them? Did you do any research or did you just read some sci-fi book?

To add to that, they fail at even the basic weather science. For instance; if a storm suddenly pops up out of nowhere, it would be a pretty weak storm, not a tornado causing one. One is more than likely to have a tornado form when there's a significant temperature change, like say 90° yesterday and 70° today. Tornadoes are unpredictable. Not all tornadoes are F5. Most are fairly weak. A tornado will more likely form from a cluster of small, organized storm cells. The biggest sign a tornado could form where there is a hook-like formation in a cell. That's all for today's basic weather. Back to the review.

A big problem with the movie is the fact that so many people just randomly die. What's worst is that majority of those who die are those who went against (or hated) House wannabe. The rest were some no named extra who just died for the hell of it. Watching the movie, we counted 7 on screen deaths. The big problem with this is that the more people they kill the less significant it becomes. Especially when they show House wannabe's face's reaction to the dead person. Even worse when the deaths are uncreative. They just die because of the tornadoes. This doesn't make people feel sad. They just make fun of it (or make a game out of who will die next).

Oh, by the way. If you're wondering about hail, it doesn't come down like bullets. They would be more on the lines of dropping a baseball from a very high altitude. Sure the guy would die, but he would die from a head wound, not bullet-like hail. With that, Hail hitting the body would cause bruises and maybe a broken bone or internal bleeding. Not cause bullet wounds.

With the whole tornado killing everyone, it really doesn't show any other horrors except you can die from a tornado. Just a bit of info: you are more likely to die from lightning than in a tornado. There are more than tornadoes that can kill you in a storm. High winds, hail, lightning being the biggest thing. Don't show death by tornado constantly. Especially when you show Jesus going right through multiple tornadoes without causing harm.

Ok, ok. I'll stop complaining about science. I'll complain about everything else. One more thing (I lied). If you are in a field when a tornado hits, hide in a ditch, not a tunnel. Tunnels –like bridges– are pretty much wind tunnels when a tornado is near you. First there's the fact that a tornado's wind becomes stronger in a tunnel, so you'd be blown away. Second, because there would be stronger winds going through the tunnel, a piece of debris would more than likely go through the tunnel and kill you.

The special effects are pretty bad. The rockets that look like lawsuit were very fake looking. The planes were fake looking. The storms were fake looking. The deaths were fake looking. The hail was fake looking. The tornadoes were fake looking! Everything was fake! How could Twister –a movie made in 1996– have more realistic special effects than this movie (which was made in 2010)?

Next; the acting was terrible. Everyone was over-acting. Their lines were exaggerated. You couldn't tell what their emotions were and had to abuse the music to relate to the audience what they had to feel. The actors never did the most logical thing. They just stand around looking at the tornadoes coming their way instead of, y'know, running away. Majority of the time, the acting was laughably bad. The rest of the time, it was just painfully bad.

Finally, the camera shots just sucked. Over half of the time, the camera would be shaking enough to give anyone a headache. It gets worse when there's an action scene since the shaky camera becomes tenfold, causing everyone watching it to break out into seizures. With the shaky camera is the awkward shot from behind something. There's no reason you have to put the camera behind a car when you don't need to. This isn't a documentary. The scenes should flow smoothly, not tell the audience you just got out of college.

We tried to find something good about it. Unfortunately, our brains would have malfunctioned if we thought any harder. It's just a really shitty movie.

Well, that's Ice Twister. How was it? Shitty. What's the moral of the story? Don't mess with Jesus House, and don't watch this movie when you live in or near Tornado Alley. My suggestion? Don't waste money on this movie. Use that $10 for a better disaster movie (like Dante's Peak). I'm Morey Bibliophage, Remembering it for you entertainment.